Are You Avoiding Sex with Your Partner?
I had a dream that a guy came up to me pleading with me to help him. He desperately said, “I NEED SEX WITH MY WIFE!” I could feel that he was on the verge of a breakdown. When I went inside, the wife came up to me and said, “He married me. Now I don’t have to worry about having to have sex with him.”
I felt the need to let her know about what I’ve learned from a previous marriage and my current one. What I know for sure is that we attract the right partner for us to help us heal and grow.
In my previous marriage, my ex was really polite and would gently hint around asking for sex. I wanted to avoid the whole topic as I had shut my sex urges down due to painful experiences in earlier years when I was into sex. With me avoiding the issue, by being too tired or busy, my ex and I grew apart and became like roommates. I didn’t feel I needed sex and had no idea how important sex was to him. Four years later he found someone else and left our marriage. I felt so betrayed, but in all reality, I betrayed him by marrying him and then withholding sex. Relationship expert, Alison Armstrong learned from her research with men over and over that men connect with their partner by having sex. They also have a much higher sex drive than women, which needs to be fed. The men have said that their woman withholding sex in a monogamous relationship is like going being given only one restaurant to eat at and then locking the refrigerator.
When I married my current husband, David, he kept pressing me for sex and was very out loud about it. I tried the whole avoidance behaviors, but he was adamant about this need he had for sex. My memories of my ex leaving me flooded in, so I decided I better face this issue. I asked him what sex provides for him and then asked myself what I was so afraid of.
His responses were that sex makes him feel connected to me, that I desire him, that I want to be with him, that he can breathe better, that he’s able to go out into the world and be a better man, and that it makes him want to do loving things for me because I’ve given him a gift. He said when I don’t have sex with him he feels betrayed because he needs it, he feels afraid that I don’t desire him, he feels exhausted and like he’s slipping into sadness from rejection. He also doesn’t want to do loving things for me when it’s been a long time.
Once I heard all of this, my heart started to open up and I felt so sad that this is what my avoidance behaviors had done to the men I loved. I apologized to him and to myself for not knowing the damage I was causing. I also knew I needed to explore my resistance to sex.
What I found out was that I had been really angry at myself because of all of the mishaps I had with sex when I was younger. I was angry at being a woman. I was angry at men too. I made us both wrong and made sex wrong.
I also learned that to have sex requires me to receive and accept my man. It requires me to be fully open. The last time I was fully open with a man, he left and I was devastated. So there was a fear that I carried inside of opening up again because what I believed was that my man would leave me. Once I faced this fear and released the emotions of the devastation, through a technique called Noble Healing, invented by Alison Armstrong. You apologize as if you were the person who hurt you. I said to myself, “I’m so sorry Jarrod left you after you opened your heart to him. I’m so sorry for all of the hurt that men have done to your body when you were open to having sex. I’m so sorry for all of the men that took advantage of your vulnerability.” It is amazing how this works. The tears flowed and flowed. Afterwards, I felt like I could breathe and that that a new open space had been created in my energy. Please try this if you may have a need. It is truly freeing. I decided to make the choice to be fully open with my husband. He feels appreciated and the life has come back in his face. He’s more energetic and happy. Imagine all of the possibilities for what can be created now!
I hope this helps,